Self-reflection is my number one joy in blogging. I enjoy sharing thoughts on music, sports, the current social lexicon and whatnot. But the true benefit comes from what I can record of my thoughts; frozen in time and stuck onto this little space of mine.
Good friend sent me a link to a song she had posted a year ago that included my response. My god I was angsty! Makes sense though. I was bitter. I was lonely. I was hurt. I had no purpose, at least in my head. The years since I was a late teenager have been filled with me searching. I always felt that instead of being able to roam free I was more like a dog tied to a tree, stuck to a certain area. And I dug around and messed up all the nice grass and kicked up a lot of dirt. I barked and I growled. I also just took this metaphor too far.
But really, I searched for that purpose. I never understand why it wasn’t enough. I worked! I kept going to school even when the particular university didn’t work out. I had places to live. I wrote music. I connected with people in person and through various forms of social media. I was still lonely though.
My life partner (girlfriend seems a bit too adolescent for the life we have now) told me that she could see I just wanted to be appreciated and loved. It was really as simple as that. And I always thought it might be that simple, but never felt it could be that simple.
But it is that simple.
Because bad days still happen and I’m still in school and still working and still making music and doing all the things I did before. But I have a woman I love who sleeps next to me every night and a little girl who belongs to me that will be joining us shortly. I have my family now.
And since I’ve had this family all the prior excitement I’ve encountered in my life has returned. Career prospects! Graduation! New songs! My hobbies are truly my hobbies now. I don’t rely on them to drive me like I used to. Because while it made for good angst-riddled writing, it wasn’t sustainable. I was still always trying to dig in with someone else and have a family. When my friends all left and started to move on, I just couldn’t get enough from the various wonderful (and awful) personalities I met. Now it all just means more. Working on new songs while Maddy listens and gives feedback is incredible. I want them to be perfect for her. I never thought graduation could mean more to me than it would (because it has been 5 years and counting and so much hell to get there), but having my daughter and my partner there to see me walk makes it perfect. New job opportunities allow me to provide more for my family while making those exciting changes in my career.
And the further I get, the more I can do for us. And that is the operative word. I have an us now and I can help us go where we want and do what we want.
For a lonely guy, that’s all I ever really wanted.